By Mark Edwards
Ah! Get some bread and a toaster and let us toast the fantastical world of cinema. The masters of cinema have the ability to create a fantasy world in their mind and transport us there through the art of film. It could be the Death Star, Hogwarts or New Zealand. For 90 mins, we believe these places exist. There are the amazing fictional characters we grow to love and hate: Jack Sparrow, Frodo Baggins, Jack the Ripper and JFK. The directors and actors of the cinema world are gods; they create planets and people, and decide their fate. Sure they are blatantly breaking one, if not all, of the 10 commandments in the process, but as long as they cash in at the box office, we won’t tell god…
I don’t think enough credit is given to these people in the modern media, so I have decided to do something about it. Here is a list of the 10 greatest movies that have EVER been made and will EVER be made.
10) Police Academy 6: City Under Siege
9) Police Academy 4: Citizens On Patrol
8) Police Academy 2: Their first Assignment
7) Police Academy 3: Back In Training
6) Police Academy 1
Let me address 2 items of possible debate with these first 5 films.
Firstly many will be asking, “Why aren’t they at the top of the list, do you hate police man and police women?” My answer is no. Now while I know these are great films, let’s try to keep our heads about them. Many Fan Boys get carried away with these films. I am not a Fan Boy, I am merely a lover of great cinema.
Secondly “Where are the other 2 films?” Police Academy 5: Assignment: Miami Beach and Police Academy 7: Mission To Moscow have been omitted from my list for legal reasons. Anybody who has served as a policeman or watched the Shield knows that police operate within a district that they are allocated to, they are not allowed to police outside these areas. This is where I get upset, in these 2 films the police do “illegal” police work in: Miami (Not their district, in fact, another state of the country America) and in Moscow (Not even in America, Moscow is in Russia, well what they used to call Russia anyway before they took down the Berlin wall)
So with that out of the way, these films are basically the most hilarious films ever made. Let’s not forget that they have a serious side. They show us that African Americans are not just a bunch of criminals, if you give them a decent pay packet, they make great sound effects.
5) The Godfather
Now I don’t want to get into the whole does God exist debate, as too many lives have already been lost over this trivial point. For once, here is something that unites both the “Think they are so fucking smart” Atheists and “the do what you are fucking told” believers: The Godfather. And it boils down to the title and main character: God did not have a father, both Atheist and Believers worldwide can agree on this. For once, no fighting at the dinner party and, hey, maybe enjoy yourself for once, that is, if the host hasn’t over cooked the meat again. (Remember, you cannot uncook over cooked meat, buy you can further cook undercooked meat, err on the side of caution)
So yeah God didn’t have a father, but it doesn’t end there, religions all around the world state that God only had one son, Jesus. But in the film there are heaps of kids running around, it’s so confusing. From my analysis, I think that Michael is supposed to be Jesus, and the director gets Jesus to kill his brothers, sisters and their kids to try to bring the film back into the real world. Who really knows, maybe this is what Jesus actually did? I know I would have if I was Jesus.
Nevertheless, given all this shit that makes no sense whatsoever, it’s still an amazing film! Bravo.
This is one of the greatest films ever made. You have 10 seconds to comply bitches.
This is a Science Fiction film? About a company, OCP that builds a man machine as a weapon to later sell to the military. They build the prefect Robocop, he totally kicks arse, however due to some internal politics they decide not to build him anymore! But build a completely new robot that does not work. Then they try to kill Robocop, so Robocop ends up destroying the new machine. You end up with OCP people using the machines to kill their senior managers to get a head in the company. It’s crazy. It’s science fiction right? WRONG. This kind of shit happens all the time in companies; this film is more of a documentary of actual corporate life if anything. Now if you don’t think your company’s IT department isn’t trying to build a machine to kill you, then you are a fucking moron.
3) 2001: A Space Odyssey
Wow this film is just visually amazing; it’s a work of art. What they do with the effects is incredible. You see, this film was made in 2001, but it looks like it was made in the 1960’s! The attention to detail blows your mind. I love retro shit*, especially sneakers, so this is right up my alley. (*The 80’s can go fuck itself though)
2) Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
A guy rips out another guys fucking heart. Jesus Christ! It’s one hell of a metaphor. The other Indy films are religious nonsense.
1) Rocky 4
“What are you trying to say? That this film helped stopped the cold war or something” Yes. This film did stop the cold war. In the 80’s we were on the fucking brink man, nuclear holocaust, IT WAS ALL OVER, EVERYTHING YOU SEE WAS GONE. The US army were out of ideas, the USSR didn’t have a choice, they had to launch the missiles, boom shankar! We were lost, all we could do was watch episodes of Webster and Punky Brewster to comfort ourselves, while we were blown to smithereens, ALL WAS LOST… but then Sylvester Stallone boxed the world out of disaster. His plan was simple but brilliant, host a boxing match in Russia against their most deadly fighter, who he could NEVER EVER in a million years beat, get everyone in Russia to watch and bet all their money on Russia winning the match, it was a sure thing! How’s that going to help????
Then Stallone trains in the snow with a tyre tied to a rope, tied around his waist.
Then BOOM! Win for the USA!
After this event the Russian economy plummeted into the deepest recession in the history of recessions, they couldn’t afford rocket fuel for their nukes! This broke the spirit of a nation; they withdrew from Eurovision and broke the Union of Soviet Socialist Rebellion up.
To top it off, Stallone uses the actual footage to make the greatest film ever made. I bow to you sir.
You can follow Mark on Twitter @themarkedwards as he discusses Religion, alternative uses for Styrofoam cups and Tim Cahil.